The pleasures of people
by Ruler of the Fake Empire
Summary: "That's a kid" Steve stated as they stared, his hands hanging limply by his sides, his features slack with shock. "It is" Tony confirmed, nodding as he did. Neither man's eyes strayed from the small clump of blankets that was the child. "Tony" Steve said slowly. "Why is there a child in your bed?" "Well, that's the million dollar question now, isn't it Capsicle?"


"That's a kid" Steve stated as they stared, his hands hanging limply by his sides, his features slack with shock.

"It is" Tony confirmed, nodding as he did. Neither man's eyes strayed from the small clump of blankets that was the child. Tony had his arms crossed and a frown was tugging at his lips. He had come to terms with the fact that there was a kid in the bed they stood beside, Steve had not. Early afternoon sun was just beginning to filter in through the curtains, yet the child seemed unaware of the time and slept soundly anyway.

"Tony" Steve said slowly. "Why is there a child in your bed?" The Captain sat down heavily on the bed, just shy of crushing the kid and put his head in his hands. Running his fingers through his hair.

"Well, that's the million dollar question now, isn't it Capsicle?" Stark scratched his chin thoughtfully and watched Steve straighten, his eyes wide as a thought that horrified and hurt him came to mind.

"He'd not yours, is he?" At this point looked red with anger at the thought that his husband would cheat on him and get some poor girl pregnant no less. Tony took a step back, looking truly offended.

"No!" He wailed. "God no, it was left here, I don't know who it belongs to" he crinkled his nose and glared at Steve who quickly cooled his anger. He stood and quickly slung his arms around the shorter man, drawing him close and kissing his forehead lovingly.

"Sorry, dear, I jumped to conclusions. I'm sorry, I know you won't cheat on me" Tony grumbled something inaudible into his shirt. He was still mildly annoyed by the accusation.

"It came with a message" he said, trying to divert the conversation back to the sleeping infant who seemed blissfully unaware of the discomfort he was causing both of them. Steve looked down at his husband who had buried his face into the larger man's shirt.

"He" Steve corrected with a frown. "He, not it" tony shook his head and broke away from his husband, going and standing next to the bed, looking down at the child who was just beginning to rouse from sleep. He looked to be only a few months old and he looked frail, so frail, no bigger than a small pillow. He had a shock of brown hair and his cheeks were rosy like all babies.

"Jarvis?" Tony called out softly.

"Yes sir?" Jarvis called back in an equally soft tone, if Tony didn't know any better he would of thought Jarvis had a soft spot for children.

"Relay the message that was left with the kid"

"Of course sir" Steve's ears pricked, waiting impatiently to hear what this fiasco was all. about. A female voice echoed through the loud speaker of the room, her voice worried and nervous, but trying to be light.

"Dear Mr Stark, I'm leaving this message with you because your magical robot doesn't have a pen and I believe you deserve at least a little bit of an explanation. The boy, my boy, is named Peter Parker, after my dad and I love him very very much. More than you can possibly believe. He is nine months old and I cannot care for him like you can. I am not leaving him in your care because you are rich, I am not that shallow, but this boy is special, special in a way that many people wish to take advantage of. I trust that you will build him up, and take care of him, as my one wish to you, I beg that you take care of him like your own. Much love, the aunt of the boy that I bestow in your care. P.s I sincerely hope that your husband doesn't mind" the message ended with a strangled sob and the room was left in silence. Steve had slid down the wall and was sitting on the floor with a shocked, dazed expression. Tony didn't look to him, he only bent gathering up the child in his arms, blankets and all. Cradling him gently. He had looked on the Internet while he had been waiting for Steve to arrive how to hold him properly and he found it was quite easy. That pleased him enough to smile, albeit sadly.

The babe made a few sleepy gurgling noises before opening his eyes, as deep and brown as they were. His tiny fingers gripping tightly onto Tony's shirt, blinking sleepily.

"Mama" he murmured, before letting his thumb into his mouth to suck on. Tony rubbed his head and smiled.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, Mama isn't going to be around for a while" the babe looked at him as if surprised to find himself being held. He reached out, his thumb coming away from his mouth, little hands patting Tony's face like he was making sure the man was real. Tony turned away from the bed and towards his husband, his chin held high. "I want to keep him" he declared. Steve's eyes snapped to him, assertiveness coming back in an instant.

"Tony" he said slowly. "We don't know how to look after a kid, let alone a baby" he shook his head, telling himself that there had to be a logical way out of this. He already knew that the boy's aunt was untraceable, that would of been the first thing Tony would of done, but that didn't mean he was just going to adopt him. Babies weren't his forte and he knew for a fact they weren't Tony's either.

"No" and with that The Man of Iron walked out of the room. As he did the child gave Steve a very long look. It wasn't hostile, simply curious, interested. This was a kid that wanted to know more. "The babe's staying" Tony stomped, his feet jolting harshly on the dark wood floor. He didn't look back at the man on the ground, who was running his hands over his face, in something like defeat, but more like denial, as if he couldn't actually believe this was happening. Usually when Tony called him using Jarvis rather than his phone he wanted Steve to post bail, he almost favoured posting bail over this. He wasn't ready to deal with a kid; he barely even managed to look after Tony, let alone a nine month old. He didn't even know what to do with a nine month old. He didn't have the vaguest idea what they ate, nor how they moved, or even how to hold one. He was a solider for god's sake, he didn't do kids. Yet, Tony seemed to be completely fine with it; the kid also seemed fine with it. Peter or something his name was. Steve had only ever known one Peter, back in World War II, he was a good solider. He didn't understand why he was thinking of it, there were more pressing matters than a long fallen solider.

He stood slowly and followed The Man of Iron out of the door, moving gradually, not wanting to startle either of them. Perhaps Tony wasn't as fine with the whole occasion as Steve had first thought. As he watched the man from the doorway of the kitchen, the baby on the bench, he seemed tense, the muscles in his back hard and his breathing long, trying to calm himself. Maybe he would've gone over and hugged him from behind to sooth him if he wasn't feeling a so distracted, as was the babe. He was rolling himself, inching closer to the edge of the bench, trying desperately to see more. Tony was standing with his back to the child, pouring himself a glass of water from the tap. Jarvis was trying to speak to him, but he kept getting cut off by quick waves of his hand. At least the AI could see that a baby on the floor from a two foot fall was distinctly bad parenting.

Steve frowned, staring at the child and moving closer as he continued to try and flip over himself onto his belly. He wore a slightly tattered baby onesie, light blue with purple stripes. His little feet were waving madly and Steve had to resist the urge to reach out and capture them, hold them tight and stop their flail. Instead he simply rested his hip on the side of the bench to stop the kid from falling. Maybe he was being a little mean, he did have some compassion and he was just a baby after all. He had dealt with insane aliens with brother issues; he could deal with a kid, couldn't he? Peter looked up at him, he had such large eyes and Steve couldn't help, but smile. This was a kid who wanted to know more. Peter reached up to him waving his small fingers about and smiling widely at him. It was such a nice smile, it showed his joy and morphed his face into a thing that the great philosophers of Rome would've wanted to write books about.

"You're going to send the girls mad when you're all grown up" Steve murmured, reaching down and letting one of his fingers be captured whole by the palms of the baby. He was second guessing himself, he knew. He would've never done this on a mission. He was too assertive on missions, but here, here he was weak. Here in the presence of the bub, he was able to be swayed. Peter clung happily onto his finger, tugging at it and looking up at Steve, a big grin still on his face.

"I won't let a kid as beautiful as that have the life I did" Steve looked up, unaware that he had been being watched. Tony's eyes were hard, certain. That was the look of a man who had no idea what he was doing, but knew it was the right thing to do. Steve had had that look in his own eyes too many times not to recognise it. Steve swallowed heavily, he knew what was at stake, he knew what he would be condemning this child to if he was to reject him and he couldn't do that.

"I-I understand" Tony's eyes widened. "The kid will stay" Tony grinned and came around the bench, eyes shining with relief. They embraced and Tony decided every moment was a moment for sarcasm.

"I'm going to remind you of this moment at his 21st birthday and you're going to feel so bad" Steve laughed and smiled. This was a little quick for his taste, but maybe he could deal with being a dad. There were harder things to be after all. Fifteen minutes later and they were back to being hopeless and clueless and confused. The baby was the only person in the room who didn't seem frustrated.

"Damn this! I'm calling Bruce!" Tony stormed out of the room demanding that Jarvis call Bruce and inform him of the situation. The internet for once in his life was no help, maybe the information on how to care for babies was just transmitted into the mind of a pregnant mother and, boom, and it's all good. The baby in question was sitting in Steve's lap, burbling to himself in unintelligible words. Steve rubbed his belly vaguely and flipped through the channels, looking for something soothing and probably unheedingly educational. He had not succeeded as yet. He had officially given up on life and on his day ending up being a dream. While he was pretty sure that Bruce wasn't actually that sort of doctor he would of felt better if Bruce was around. Bruce had a rather soothing persona, he would probably help anyway.

"Sirs, Dr Banner is on his way" Jarvis chimed, perhaps sounding a little relieved. Steve, at this point, really wanted to give Jarvis a hug, unfortunately physicality wasn't Jarvis' strong point. Peter looked around, searching for the owner of the British voice, but finding no body to attach the voice to. "Don't worry about it kid, Jarvis is really nice, you just can't see him" Steve rubbed the babe's head, running his fingers through thick brown hair. Peter made a few cooing noises before becoming distracted by his own toes. About five minutes later Bruce burst through the elevator door, entering the pent house, his glasses askew and his hair bursting out in all directions. He didn't look panicked, at least to those who knew him, as this was how he looked a good lot of the time. He walked into the living room where Peter and Steve were lounging. He stared at the baby and ran a few fingers through his hair; an action both Tony and Steve knew was made out of stress.

"Jarvis relayed the message?" Tony stood beside him, also staring at the kid. Steve knew he wasn't having second thoughts about keeping the baby, Tony Stark did not have second thoughts about anything, but it was obvious that Tony was at least a little nervous. Bruce nodded.

"He did" He confirmed quietly. "I didn't quite believe it though"

"Yeah, well neither did I" Tony muttered before, walking to Steve and picking the babe. Peter immediately protested with a cry of surprise, but as soon as he saw that it was Tony he calmed, looking back at Steve only briefly with a smile. Tony held the baby expertly, like he had been born to do this, rather than fight crime in a red suit. "We were hoping that you would give him a quick once over, Doc" He reproached Bruce and Steve stood, the words that Bruce would need to know already on his tongue.

"We want to keep him"

Bruce didn't bat an eyelid, he didn't react at all aside from taking the baby from Tony, albeit clumsily.

"I figured you would" he answered, looking over the baby. The baby stared back at him, with the same curiosity he had looked over Steve with as well, eyes wide, looking mystified and amazed. His thumb returned to his mouth as Bruce's eyes dragged over his small form. Both Steve and Tony watched in anticipation, waiting for either good news or something they hadn't yet decided to think about. "Well" Bruce began. Peter licked his lips and found that he disliked being held in the air and began to make a few dissatisfied noises. "He looks fine to me, but I don't know much about babies" Bruce shrugged as he held the by to his chest. "I mean he's probably hungry and you're going to need some... I don't know... baby stuff" Bruce handed the babe to Tony who accepted as if he had been doing it forever, he subconsciously patted Peter's back. Peter looked over his shoulder at the blond man, blinking new born recognition in his eyes. He sure was a trusting kid, he seemed to of already identified Tony and Steve as "safe". Steve smiled at him nonetheless and earned a smile in return. Peter began to lightly suck on Tony's shirt, brown eyes wandering, taking in the view now he was high up.

"What sort of baby stuff?" Tony questioned intensely. Bruce shrugged and sat down on the sofa, crossing his leg over his knee.

"I don't know, I don't have kids. I suspect that this would be the moment that you call someone who does" he began to watch the television with another unhelpful shrug. Tony muttered something about something and sat down next to him, still holding Peter tightly.

"Come on, guys. You can just sit down, look it up on the computer or something" Steve was desperately trying to appeal to Tony love of the Internet, but it didn't seem to be working. He knew as much about babies as the next time traveling super solider, but he did know that babies cried when they get hungry and that really didn't sound like much fun.

"Perhaps I could be of help sirs?" Jarvis asked tentatively. For a second time Peter looked about, searching for the owner of the voice, just like last time he gained no information.

"Yes, Jarvis, thank god for you, can you get some nappies and baby formula delivered quickly?"

"Of course sir, within the hour" he could practically hear Jarvis' relief at not having to call social services. "I will also purchase some blankets and clothes for the child" Steve nodded, giving permission. "If you don't mind me saying so sir, the woman that left master Parker here did mention something about mashed banana" Jarvis added wistfully.

"I'm on it" Steve awkwardly bent and took the child from Tony's lap, trying his best to do it the same way his husband did, supporting the neck while making sure he didn't slip.

Jarvis kept his promise, before the hour was up boxes showed up in the elevator and thus the tedious task if figuring out how to change a nappy began. It took the two world famous scientists, the vastly intellectual AI and the super solider a good fifteen minutes, but eventually Peter was clean, no longer wailing as he had been a few minutes before, and not smelling of crap.

"Well, what do we do now?" Bruce had disappeared back down his lab after finding that the child wasn't in any actual danger of bad parenting in the extreme and the child was now crawling around the living room not even hearing Tony's words because he was so distracted by the edge of a rug. Babies sure did get interested by mundane things, at least that's what Tony thought.

"Jarvis, how much do babies sleep?" Steve was stretching his body in the door way to the kitchen, abdominal muscles strained, the ones that Tony drooled over.

"I would advise that Master Parker be going to bed in the next two to three hours" the prim British voice replied. This time Peter didn't even look up, too used to hearing a voice but not seeing it.

"Good. I'm going to go take a nap, I'm sure the bub will be okay with Tony" he found himself assuring Jarvis even more than he was assuring himself, but he didn't really mind that. According Tony Jarvis was actually a lot more human than he ought to of been.

"Of course sir" Jarvis sounded doubtful, but Steve ignored that tone in his voice, sure that Tony could look after a baby for a few hours, he had battled the worst, he could look after a kid no sweat.

Author's notes:

phrase The Lord I got this done. I've been avoiding up loading it for the longest time, I'm drowning in homework that I can't be bothered to do. I really hope you liked this.

Much love,

Clementine


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